The separation was supposed to be very temporary, a matter of a few months.
Peter and I both knew it was the right choice for him to move up and get situated in his job and familiar with the area while I waited here until the kids finished the school year.
And then a cancer child died…and another…and more followed in rapid succession and my confidence crumbled to ash. I threw on the brakes and stamped my feet like a child and demanded that he find a job back here…I couldn’t possibly be expected to leave when THIS is where I’m comfortable and THIS is where I want to be if, God forbid, Peyton ever relapsed….and HOW could he not get that my delicate emotions were way more important at that moment than his paycheck?
My husband looked for another job.
While he lived alone in his apartment, eating crap food and missing us all terribly. While I lived here, exhausted and frustrated and facing the fear of the unknown without his comfort. While the kids lived in limbo, counting the days until Daddy would show up and watching the clock for when he would have to walk out the door and go back to work.
I OWN that one. That one was all me. My anxiety and fear got the better of me and I couldn’t see past it to understand how I was hurting us all by forcing the separation to go on. Peter and I had some bitter fights about it, I won’t kid you there. He accused me of not loving him enough to leave my friends, I lashed out and said he was so disconnected from all my pain that he couldn’t understand what I was going through.
We made the best compromise of the situation, with him commuting back and forth every other weekend to see us, sometimes spending the week with us while working from the living room.
“When are you going to move?”
“Are you going to move?”
“You’re never going to move, are you?”
My husband got more and more discouraged that I would pack up the kids and actually move to be with him. I did the thirty-four year old version of holding my breath til I passed out, hoping that he’d give in and just find a job, ANY job, to come back.
Life continued…but differently, always changing and evolving.
The kids stopped crying every time Daddy left.
We would be so busy that we’d suddenly awaken to the fact that it had been two or three days since Pete talked to the kids.
Peter had a life of new friends and co-workers, making accomplishments and growing in his new surroundings.
I immersed myself in the blog as a full time effort, found a community of bloggers to fill my time, made new friends and began to have goals and ambitions that had he had no part of.
We were doing it. We were drifting apart. I would talk to him about something and we’d both realize that he had no idea what I was talking about….we’d have whole conversations about people that, as far as I knew, were totally fictional characters in the life of Pete.
You know what? I realize I didn’t give him a lot of choice in the matter, because I? Am stubborn as hell!…but Peter didn’t puff out his chest and throw around his husbandly demands and force me to move before I was ready. As much as I know he wanted to and was sorely tempted, he didn’t do it. Cause, this man loves me. Deep down, he knew that I would come to the decision to go and the time would be right and it would feel like a good decision for us all, not just something I was doing for him.
In the Internet generation, we’ve made the best of the twelve months we’ve been apart. Webcams and constant emails and texting, phone calls and instant messaging have made it easier for us to stay together when we’re not together.
It’s no longer enough, it never really has been.
We want to be a family again and as hard as it was to reach this point: I’m ready.
I had to jump through over some mighty large hurdles of selfishness and put the kids and Peter and our family before my neurosis and you know what? Once I did, the decisions made themselves and I know it’s R.I.G.H.T.
My excitement at a big new shiny house is nothing compared to knowing that I’ll be sharing that house with my family as a whole again.
Although, did you SEE that house? It’s pretty sweet, huh?